Living.

I haven't blogged for a long time. I'm a bit rusty, and I know people usually read my titles and read on and figure out that it relates to the content of the blog, but I think this entry's gonna be pretty all over the place. Thoughts will come to mind, and I'll put it down as I see fit.

High School's almost over. It hasn't hit me yet, but tears come and go at times, randomly too. I could wake up early and think about it and come to tears. Last friday was the last official day of classes, and it hit me that it was my very last day in Leadership. After getting all of those awards, I really felt like crying but didn't. I held back tears at the Filipino Awards Ceremony forreals. But that was partly mixed with other reasons.

I love Marcus "Iggy" Salgado III! He is the sixth member of the Salgado family. I'm not quite sure what he is mixed with, I thought he was part German Shepherd, but I talked to the girl a week ago and said he was part terrier for sure. He has long legs so I think he's going to grow into them. Having a puppy is no joke. You really have to take care of it, and feed it correctly, and teach it how to behave and what's acceptable and what's not, and lots of love is involved as well. Marcus is really cute, and I think he's worth some of the hassles raising a puppy can bring.

Over the past month or so, I've gotten closer to a lot of older people who have a lot to offer to young adults like me. People like my Uncle Mike, Ms. Jurkovich, and Auntie Bell, they have one way or another made an impact upon my life recently, each in different ways too. My Uncle's pretty much been a good person to look up to for me. He's an ex-Marine, is into computers, has a cool job where he does what I think I might be interested in getting into, and he's welcomed me in and opened up to me to share plenty of stuff that he's gone through, he knows, and he advises. I love talking to my uncle because he knows I'm interested and he's so open to share tips. Ms. Jurkovich is the same way; whenever I have a question about college or UC Berkeley more specifically; she tries her best to tend to my needs, and then she goes beyond what I asked for. I really think she's the woman responsible for getting me into UC Berkeley. If it wasn't for her, I'd be on a different path of life right now. Auntie Bell is someone whom I just got closer to yesterday from volunteering at Pista Sa Nayon, I didn't know she went to UC Berkeley too. That blew me away.

Forreals, the more you live life, the more you realize how much you can learn just by talking to people. I used to imagine "exactly how much knowledge is there in the world?" I would think that there is education knowledge, experience knowledge, and people knowledge. Just think about if you sat down and talked to everyone in the world and got to understand how each of them viewed things; you would know so much.

Sometimes I think about the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons" and think about what it's message is: "Life must be understood backward, but must be lived forward." Lately I've found plenty of situations where it applies, such as taking advice from other people. Of course it is great to learn and listen to tips of advice all the time, but at the same time people must do things for themselves and go through their own experience. Hence the understanding backward but living forward.

I've come to understand that God has a higher purpose for everyone and that things happen for a reason according to your purpose in life. With that said, I still try my best in everything that I do and feel disappointed when things don't go the way I hoped it would. I feel like that's how you gotta live to get anywhere in life. It's probably best explained in the quote by Will Rogers: "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Yeah, God has a purpose for all of us, but that does not liberate us to be passive with our lives.

The past month or so, I probably lived life half-heartedly. I held back everything. I got used to things I shouldn't be used to, and was really down on myself. I let everything get to me. I let it bring me down all the way, probably deeper than I've ever been. In many ways, I would wake up, go to school, and come back home not knowing who I was. I was so bland with everyone, I totally lost my identity. Honestly I'm still trying to find it. I'm not funny how I used to, I'm not able to be open or upbeat with people, I totally lost it.

I know being in the condition that I am now, it's going to take a really, really long time, but I'm not going to put a cap on it by estimating how long its gonna take. I know that what's been tried before hasn't worked at all, so I'm in no rush. I don't want to rush into mending it when I'm not done recovering, just for the sake of trying to fix matters because I can't stand that we don't talk. I'm not going to give in to my desire to be a part of her life and my willingness to be a major friend of hers. I'm going to wait until I'm ready. Most importantly I'm not forcing anything.