Woke up early and I cant go back to sleep

Well its 6:04am, and i woke up a good twenty minutes ago. I always have easy access to the internet, so here I am haha.

I'm just awake thinking about things. Most of the time when I'm up like this I think of my life and how it's going. Tonight I had a dream that portrayed exactly how it's going, and I woke up and felt kind of ehhh. I guess it's okay..

I'll never understand girls, or women in general. I mean, if someone doesn't like you then they don't like you, bottom line. I'm big on free will and usually when people ask me "what should I do?" I mostly come up with saying "it's on you." It's not that I don't care, it's just I'm a person very close with my thoughts and I assume people should get more in touch with themselves.

Even if sometimes I feel like exploding and saying my own opinion when people tell me about their current dilemmas, I restrain myself unless its about drugs or alcohol or some such, that I cannot tolerate. If I feel I am saying my opinion to subconciously better my position with this person, I hold my tongue.

It just sucks knowing that you liked someone alot, and you put your best into that person, and after a long time they started to come around, but things don't happen as you'd wish and it just messes everything up, even though you deny it hasnt, and no matter how many times you guys try to deal with the situation in a civil manner, it doesnt work because when one is happy one isn't and vice versa.

Maybe I fell in too deep. I always told myself never to fall that deep, but that's the only way to really know.

I think it's karma too. Sometimes I go through things now, and it's exactly something I been through except I was in her position now. Over a year ago when my last girlfriend and I would argue about whose fault it is about our split, she would say I dont seem to understand her, she would fault me because I was the one who broke it off...she even told me karma would happen.

and I would tell her sorry and that she shouldn't have fell for me that deep, that she made me break up with her because of her actions, and that I still wanted to be friends because she was the one who told me things about me that I never realized, she points out my flaws and even though I didn't like how she said it sometimes it's something I need to hear. I told her because of that she's important to me, but not because I had any feelings left.

it's just amazing to me how things I said in the past get said to me now, word for word sometimes too. Sometimes I dont wanna hear it.

So for me to try to stay around and see if there's anything left now, it seems pretty pointless. It was like, I knew how this story was going to play out, I just couldn't help myself and went with everything. But then again, it's almost like maybe it's a good thing I know.

I don't want to wait. I don't want to feel guilty for my actions. I go out with friends, I get into new hobbies, focus on school, and spend time with family. That keeps my mind off of her. But on the inside I'm pretty much the same.

Sometimes I feel like even though we say we're cool, we're not and it's just a front on the surface. We're cool to the point of small talk. I feel like we can't be totally cool unless by some miracle I get over her, or by some miracle we end up being together.

I'm not gonna be bitter and complain to her about everything. I'm not going to make her choose or make her think by saying I can't be her friend. I don't want to show her or tell her anything that's gonna stop anything that she does or plans to do, I want her to like people, go out with people, and everything else with other people without feeling that she did anything wrong in her past.

I'll continue this later.
Thank you blogger for listening! =)

Earnest Salgado