2 am.

I hate this part of the night. Not for apparent reasons, that it's dark and spooky, but because I always think around this time.

It's late, nobody to talk to on the phone, everyone's sleeping, so I have nothing to do. Then my mind just starts to wander.

This is the part where I lay in bed and wonder about things.

There's a lot of times where I catch people saying or doing lots of things that they don't mean. There's this one thing, and it's kind of messing with the fam's summer. I thought it was a kind of dangerous idea from the start, but both of them were happy. Now what I expected happened, and now look. Ay yai yai

That's another thing I've learned after being single and not having serious feelings for anyone for a while: people act different when talking/in love/ with someone than when they aren't. I kinda don't like the change in people, but it's pretty inevitable if you think about it. I think it's because when liking someone, your awareness of that person and yourself skyrocket, when as opposed to not liking anyone, you're just living along with most other things, having fun.

I think that's another way to gauge if you still like someone or not; whether or not you are aware of them like that.

Ronnel knows me best. He said I am single and everything and I catch feelings from time to time, but all of that's not serious. What is serious to me though, is that deep, deep down inside I still like someone, with serious feelings.

...yeah. But it's wishful thinking, right?

I am taking an online course through Napa Valley College. I gotta buy a ninety dollar text today. Shit. It's an intro to Computer Science class, and it's not an online course where you can go your own pace, there's deadlines and stuff.

Jackie was right, community college classes are shit and don't help for shit. I guess I'm just wasting my money and doing busy work?

Whoopee.

I think I forgive people very easily. Like once they say they're sorry I drop it. Is this for better or for worse?

Damn being up at night.

Recently

Lately I've been unable to articulate my thoughts into a great blog entry. This one's going to be pretty shambled and scattered as well, just like the last one.

Well, high school is over! Four years of my life now a part of my past. I am a VHS Alumni now, and I am glad to say that I enjoyed my time as a student attending there. There were times where I have spoken out against Vallejo High due to frustration, but I genuinely loved the school as a whole because it helped to make me who I am today. I cannot be mad at that. Looking back, it is true that upon reminiscing something, you tend to forget all the shortcomings and remember all the good times. Through all of the bad, the good shines through and that's what I remember from my high school years.

Graduation was bittersweet. The whole week I enjoyed writing meaningful entries into my friends' yearbooks, I hope that they see my earnestness in what I wrote. As for the ceremony itself, I thoroughly enjoyed it. What made me cry was that it's really over, and the thought that here I stand, after all the hardships and stress, staying up to write an essay, projects, posters, math problems, and all the extracurricular stuff I will miss. I sat there looking at people graduate, and I imagined how they perceive their years of high school. Will they miss it, hate it, love that it's over, or no reaction at all?

The odd part to the day was how I ended up sitting next to her. I kinda just came to a conclusion that its another reason why things happen for a reason. I really didn't have any qualms about it, it was more like "oh, okay." One thing though, the awkwardness was so thick it could've been cut with a butter knife. Once it was graduation, I just told myself to seize this opportunity to take a step in the right direction. Maybe we were meant to be put in that seating. I wish her the best in all her endeavors. I wish for her happiness. I know she understands what I was to her, and if anything I hope I changed her perception of life in some positive way. I will always see her as the one who got away, as of now, barring any miracle occurring.

Sometimes I have visions of running into her sometime later in life, whether it be at a restaurant or random place, and we just get to know each other all over again. Because the connection was undeniable. That, would be nice. Oh well, I'll just live on and see.

Lately I've understood how much I love my closest friends. The Joes and the Fam make everything in life okay, and they make everything fun. I love how we can just talk about stuff. I love how we go through shit together! Just earlier tonight we went to Lake Herman! HAHA at around 10:30, after a day of chillin and Concord mall! Fun!

On a side note, Marcus is slowly getting bigger. He's still a puppy and I still carry him around like a little baby, but I can tell. I love Meilene!

Living.

I haven't blogged for a long time. I'm a bit rusty, and I know people usually read my titles and read on and figure out that it relates to the content of the blog, but I think this entry's gonna be pretty all over the place. Thoughts will come to mind, and I'll put it down as I see fit.

High School's almost over. It hasn't hit me yet, but tears come and go at times, randomly too. I could wake up early and think about it and come to tears. Last friday was the last official day of classes, and it hit me that it was my very last day in Leadership. After getting all of those awards, I really felt like crying but didn't. I held back tears at the Filipino Awards Ceremony forreals. But that was partly mixed with other reasons.

I love Marcus "Iggy" Salgado III! He is the sixth member of the Salgado family. I'm not quite sure what he is mixed with, I thought he was part German Shepherd, but I talked to the girl a week ago and said he was part terrier for sure. He has long legs so I think he's going to grow into them. Having a puppy is no joke. You really have to take care of it, and feed it correctly, and teach it how to behave and what's acceptable and what's not, and lots of love is involved as well. Marcus is really cute, and I think he's worth some of the hassles raising a puppy can bring.

Over the past month or so, I've gotten closer to a lot of older people who have a lot to offer to young adults like me. People like my Uncle Mike, Ms. Jurkovich, and Auntie Bell, they have one way or another made an impact upon my life recently, each in different ways too. My Uncle's pretty much been a good person to look up to for me. He's an ex-Marine, is into computers, has a cool job where he does what I think I might be interested in getting into, and he's welcomed me in and opened up to me to share plenty of stuff that he's gone through, he knows, and he advises. I love talking to my uncle because he knows I'm interested and he's so open to share tips. Ms. Jurkovich is the same way; whenever I have a question about college or UC Berkeley more specifically; she tries her best to tend to my needs, and then she goes beyond what I asked for. I really think she's the woman responsible for getting me into UC Berkeley. If it wasn't for her, I'd be on a different path of life right now. Auntie Bell is someone whom I just got closer to yesterday from volunteering at Pista Sa Nayon, I didn't know she went to UC Berkeley too. That blew me away.

Forreals, the more you live life, the more you realize how much you can learn just by talking to people. I used to imagine "exactly how much knowledge is there in the world?" I would think that there is education knowledge, experience knowledge, and people knowledge. Just think about if you sat down and talked to everyone in the world and got to understand how each of them viewed things; you would know so much.

Sometimes I think about the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons" and think about what it's message is: "Life must be understood backward, but must be lived forward." Lately I've found plenty of situations where it applies, such as taking advice from other people. Of course it is great to learn and listen to tips of advice all the time, but at the same time people must do things for themselves and go through their own experience. Hence the understanding backward but living forward.

I've come to understand that God has a higher purpose for everyone and that things happen for a reason according to your purpose in life. With that said, I still try my best in everything that I do and feel disappointed when things don't go the way I hoped it would. I feel like that's how you gotta live to get anywhere in life. It's probably best explained in the quote by Will Rogers: "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Yeah, God has a purpose for all of us, but that does not liberate us to be passive with our lives.

The past month or so, I probably lived life half-heartedly. I held back everything. I got used to things I shouldn't be used to, and was really down on myself. I let everything get to me. I let it bring me down all the way, probably deeper than I've ever been. In many ways, I would wake up, go to school, and come back home not knowing who I was. I was so bland with everyone, I totally lost my identity. Honestly I'm still trying to find it. I'm not funny how I used to, I'm not able to be open or upbeat with people, I totally lost it.

I know being in the condition that I am now, it's going to take a really, really long time, but I'm not going to put a cap on it by estimating how long its gonna take. I know that what's been tried before hasn't worked at all, so I'm in no rush. I don't want to rush into mending it when I'm not done recovering, just for the sake of trying to fix matters because I can't stand that we don't talk. I'm not going to give in to my desire to be a part of her life and my willingness to be a major friend of hers. I'm going to wait until I'm ready. Most importantly I'm not forcing anything.

Swan Song

401 Total Hours recorded on time log (including summer homework)

Planner Check:

I have returned all AP Physics textbooks to Mr. Tillay, but I have yet to turn in my Library textbooks.

My Project is not done by June 5th, 2009, although it will get done by Monday.

Yes, I have paid my $12.50 for my Kaplan Guide!


My effort the last four weeks: Poor. I've got to admit, I tanked after AP exams. It was more like a passive-agressive response; I worked my ass off until the day of the exam to pass it, which I feel I did, and then after that I was so wrapped up in learning lines for the school musical, then letting loose at Gradnite. I didn't get to enjoy much before the exams, so I indulged a bit afterwards.

Turning in work the last four weeks: Poor. It comes hand in hand with my effort. By the way, no matter what I do I end up sleeping at 11 pm every night for the last four weeks. It seems my body is trying to catch up on some lost sleep but cannot.

Quarter Attendance:Excellent

Think-it-through:

Three things I have enjoyed about this AP Physics Class this year...

1. Working really hard, and getting the results in the classroom and in the class in general. I rose my level as a learner, and I maintained an A throughout the year up until this point in time.

2. Working with Mr. Tillay. I have been like a sponge to water, absorbing everything that I could get. From my observations and experiences, my time with Tillay has made me a better person and even more importantly, a better student.

3. Simply learning physics was an enjoyment in and of itself. Physics is my favorite subject by far, and I enjoy learning the aspects of physics; everything from vectors to electricity and magnetism to even the theories of relativity. My love for physics has been uncovered and nurtured by my teacher, Mr. Tillay.

Three things that I would like changed...

1. I would like to see the class time in the weeks right before the AP exam used better. It seemed a little hectic and sloppy in the way we utilized our class time before the exam, and that rattled me a little coming into the test. To ensure a confident student for the AP Physics exam, our class time in the weeks beforehand should be maximized.

2. Continue to keep the Focus on AP Physics problems! This is where it's at, I hope the class gets more exposure to actual exam free response problems throughout the year.

3. Keep the class on pace to have a good portion of review time for the exam. We had to rush at the end, so I feel if the class is held at a good pace where they are learning what they need to, when they need to, they will be fine.

Myself as a student in five sentences.

When I am motivated, I am the best student. Life problems and social issues in my life hamper my capacity for learning. I bring my level up during crunch time. I rise to expectations and I succeed when it matters most. Looking at the grand scheme of things, I still have a lot to learn!

How do I need to improve?

I need to improve my time management. I cannot do everything, but I do as much as I possibly can and try to succeed in everything I do. This may hold to be a problem, and I am evaluating myself to relieve myself of that problem.

What grade have I earned for 4th quarter? 2nd Semester?

4th quarter: C
2nd Semester: B

I know I was burned out during 4th quarter and I didn't put as much effort as I could have. Frankly I saved all my enjoyment of senior year for 4th quarter, more specifically, right after AP exams.

MR. T's Grade...

1. For the most part, Mr. Tillay is ready to roll right when the bell rings; sometimes, even before the bell! He has his agenda ready days before, and even when we have problems to solve, he still finds a way to slug through problems. Mr. Tillay sometimes admits that he is a bit rusty at times, but we forgive him for that because even if he is rusty, he is still a better problem solver than we are!

2. The section links and files are a great resource. I expect them to grow and to expand; they are one of the tools I used to help me become a more resourceful student.

3. One thing I thoroughly appreciate is the relationship Mr. Tillay and I. Throughout the year we emailed back and forth about problem solving, life, and so forth. He was always willing to email back, talk to me, and he kept himself available to me and my classmates.

5. Problem solving sessions, Self-Evals/Blogs, Projected Daily agenda, Monday Planner Session, Exams, Cornell Notes, Quiz, Fusion Drop Box for HW, Labs, Video Notes, Project, Computer Notes, Notebook checks, Electronic textbook

6. To make AP Physics better for students, we should always be reminded that everyone should take the AP exam and pass! Keep it in their heads that passing the exam is the number one goal, and by all means necessary they all should work towards that goal!

7. Mr. Tillay should adopt stricter deadlines if need be. I feel it is on a class to class basis, and if the class needs to be pushed, they should be.

Up.

Impossible is nothing.

What's Up?

Through everything, I cannot complain. No matter what happens in my life. I am alive, I can still laugh about things, I still have my friends. Life is too short to stop and become passive with things. That's how I go. I come with everything or nothing at all.

There are times where I think about when I die, I wonder if I'll have a conversation with God and we'll go over the decisions in my life that I made. I wonder if he'll tell me what I shoulda done, who I overlooked, if I married my soulmate or not, etc. Sounds very interesting.

As of right now, this weekend is gonna be killer. I have two essays to write in about four hours, starting at 9 am, which is a little over an hour from now. I gotta be at hogan. haha. gotta pick up alex first. Then study for AP Fiziks, haha.



In other news, I'm crushin on someone new. I called her on tuesday night, and we talked for 40 minutes. I hardly see her everyday, and if I do, sometimes it's just a hello and a hug. She's cool, the ghettoest girl I ever was interested in, which makes me feel like it's just a crush, but I'll see. I asked her to the movies yesterday, which was the first time I ever asked a girl to go out and watch a movie with me on a friday night. Instead I went with Rochelle, haha AND WE WATCHED XMEN AND IT WAS THE SHIT!






Even in my short 18 years, I've come to realize that life is never just (insert adjective here) by chance, life is what you make it, and how you perceive things. If you think things are exciting, it's because you think it so. If you think things are boring, it's because you think it so.

Time to go out and live haha

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO